Compensating
Enthusiast
Hello all,
Just had a funny story to share.. kinda long but I am stuck in the desert with nothing else to do right now…
Ok so I am overseas right now you know that….but my last day in the states was pretty funny...
My last day in Kansas before I deployed my wife looks at me and says "I know your dying to take that piece of crap car out one last time". Now she calls my 97 GTS a "piece of crap", not because it is.. (it's mint)... yet because it's loud... rough.. no cup holders... no seat heaters.. and by basically buying it, I have cut into to her monthly shopping fund
By the way I bought her boobs so I could get the car…. She still is not happy… and yes I call them the “piece of crap boobs”… also known as “our new fence is in your chest”… anyway…
Now it's very clear that she hates this car and all it represents... She has only been in it one other time.. Whole other story entirely..
So the Angel of Darkness explains how she needs to run to Wal-Mart and Lowe’s to get a few "little" things before I leave. Since the Mother-In-Law (A.K.A. the great evil) was present I knew this meant we could take the "piece of crap car” since we were minus two cute little sex-trophies. How joyous of a day… 80 degrees out… Sunny… Fresh coat of Zaino.. And then there’s my wife. ********** at the world because she can’t hear her Kelly Clarkson CD over the Corsa’s. (yes a Kelly Clarkson CD actually plays in a viper CD player.. but don’t try it..). Of course the first corner I get to I sling it out sideways in second gear actually forgetting for a second that the enemy is in the car. The enemy did not find this amusing at all. But it did make the enemy put on her seatbelt.
OK so after my ears stopping ringing from the shrieks of Satan’s little helper I now could focus on finding a parking spot in the great mecca known as Wal-Mart. Not!!! I dropped her off at the door and parked in the fire lane as usual. Not two minutes into sitting there of course Joe-Bob the rent a cop comes up… “yeah..yeah.. I’m moving” I exclaimed… But to my surprise he just wanted to see the engine.. “OK” I said…. Not knowing that I was starting a one man car show in trailer trash heaven. Of course people started appearing out of nowhere… and I got the usual questions… how fast?.. how much?.. are those speakers on the hood? “yes yes of course they are”. So after the Wal-Mart dea concourse broke up one rather attractive lady hung around… Hmmmmmmm.
Woman : Are you married?
Me : Yes (damn integrity!)
Woman : Is it stable?.. your marriage I mean?
Me : Ummmm Yeah
Woman : Why did you have to think about it?
Me : Well cause my wife is standing behind you
Woman : Blushed and walked back to her Plymouth Voyager full of kids
Beelzebub was not pleased with this exchange of words… But she felt flattered that HER husband was the one sitting in the Lamborghini in the parking lot. No kidding there were people in the store talking about me and she overheard them. We got a laugh and now off to Lowes… Wal-Mart purchase??? A pound of hamburger… Ok that will fit in a viper.
Ahhh Lowes… this is where I like to shop…. After explaining to her that maybe we could get ONE OR TWO potted plants in the back of the GTS…. We ended up with EIGHT!! Oh and I almost forgot… Four 50 lb. bags of potting soil.. DOH!!! So after playing “Dodge Viper Tetris 2.0” I got it all to fit. Lucifer giggled as if to prove a point that we should have brought her PT Cruiser on crack (Purple Durango). “Ok so it fits… lets go…” Insert picture of a viper not only squatting from the weight of the cargo but the hatch wouldn’t close because we might crush the pansies…WE MIGHT CRUSH THE PANSIES.. MY LORD! OK this is ending soon I promise….
BACK STORY : I drive this bad a$$ car to work a couple times a week just praying to come across a ZO6 or something along those lines… my neighbor has a Aston Martin DB-7… I always see him when I’m riding my bike with the two little girls in the kid trailer behind me… Don’t laugh… it’s cool to have a bike with a kid trailer…. I took the orange flag off OK!… But I never see any fast cars in the viper… It’s always some kid wanting to race me in his black primer civic… while his cousin plays Vice City in the passenger seat.. Oh yeah and he always has to look around his tach to see the road… I never see anything “fun” to mess with..
OK here’s the ******… Pulling out of Lowe’s looking like I have lost the rear suspension I catch the first red light.. The Great Evil Jr. is in the passenger seat happy that she got her flowers…potting soil… hamburger meat… Kelly Clarkson is gracing us with her angelic voice… (I wish Kelly would just “Break Away” already)…. “Man this is a long red light” I thought to myself when outta no where… (cue real angels singing) A FRICKIN F-40 PULLS UP RIGHT NEXT TO ME… Not only does this guy see the look in my eye that I would whop up all over him had it not been for the mass amounts of shopping that just happened…. He reved… I reved.. we laughed… El Diablo went into You better not even think about it mode”.. Do I even have to tell you what happened next??
GREEN LIGHT!!! We both launch perfectly… I pull him in first and second… and during the shift to third gear Mephistopheles pulls her body off the seat back long enough to plant her Talons in might right arm. Bye bye Mr. F-40… If you read this I want a rematch..
Here’s what I am thinking… why would that guy race me when you can obviously see all of the pansies and soil in my half open hatch?… Also… why did I race him in the first place?
Why you might ask??
Well a lightly modded and geared Viper launches like a pro-street car with 250 lbs of cargo in the back!!!!
Moral of the story…
Kids are great!
Vipers are fun!
Lowe’s kicks a$$!
Don't ever ever smash the pansies...
F-40’s are faaaast!
Don’t marry the Devil.
Peace! I’m out
Matt
Just had a funny story to share.. kinda long but I am stuck in the desert with nothing else to do right now…
Ok so I am overseas right now you know that….but my last day in the states was pretty funny...
My last day in Kansas before I deployed my wife looks at me and says "I know your dying to take that piece of crap car out one last time". Now she calls my 97 GTS a "piece of crap", not because it is.. (it's mint)... yet because it's loud... rough.. no cup holders... no seat heaters.. and by basically buying it, I have cut into to her monthly shopping fund
By the way I bought her boobs so I could get the car…. She still is not happy… and yes I call them the “piece of crap boobs”… also known as “our new fence is in your chest”… anyway…Now it's very clear that she hates this car and all it represents... She has only been in it one other time.. Whole other story entirely..
So the Angel of Darkness explains how she needs to run to Wal-Mart and Lowe’s to get a few "little" things before I leave. Since the Mother-In-Law (A.K.A. the great evil) was present I knew this meant we could take the "piece of crap car” since we were minus two cute little sex-trophies. How joyous of a day… 80 degrees out… Sunny… Fresh coat of Zaino.. And then there’s my wife. ********** at the world because she can’t hear her Kelly Clarkson CD over the Corsa’s. (yes a Kelly Clarkson CD actually plays in a viper CD player.. but don’t try it..). Of course the first corner I get to I sling it out sideways in second gear actually forgetting for a second that the enemy is in the car. The enemy did not find this amusing at all. But it did make the enemy put on her seatbelt.
OK so after my ears stopping ringing from the shrieks of Satan’s little helper I now could focus on finding a parking spot in the great mecca known as Wal-Mart. Not!!! I dropped her off at the door and parked in the fire lane as usual. Not two minutes into sitting there of course Joe-Bob the rent a cop comes up… “yeah..yeah.. I’m moving” I exclaimed… But to my surprise he just wanted to see the engine.. “OK” I said…. Not knowing that I was starting a one man car show in trailer trash heaven. Of course people started appearing out of nowhere… and I got the usual questions… how fast?.. how much?.. are those speakers on the hood? “yes yes of course they are”. So after the Wal-Mart dea concourse broke up one rather attractive lady hung around… Hmmmmmmm.
Woman : Are you married?
Me : Yes (damn integrity!)
Woman : Is it stable?.. your marriage I mean?
Me : Ummmm Yeah
Woman : Why did you have to think about it?
Me : Well cause my wife is standing behind you
Woman : Blushed and walked back to her Plymouth Voyager full of kids
Beelzebub was not pleased with this exchange of words… But she felt flattered that HER husband was the one sitting in the Lamborghini in the parking lot. No kidding there were people in the store talking about me and she overheard them. We got a laugh and now off to Lowes… Wal-Mart purchase??? A pound of hamburger… Ok that will fit in a viper.
Ahhh Lowes… this is where I like to shop…. After explaining to her that maybe we could get ONE OR TWO potted plants in the back of the GTS…. We ended up with EIGHT!! Oh and I almost forgot… Four 50 lb. bags of potting soil.. DOH!!! So after playing “Dodge Viper Tetris 2.0” I got it all to fit. Lucifer giggled as if to prove a point that we should have brought her PT Cruiser on crack (Purple Durango). “Ok so it fits… lets go…” Insert picture of a viper not only squatting from the weight of the cargo but the hatch wouldn’t close because we might crush the pansies…WE MIGHT CRUSH THE PANSIES.. MY LORD! OK this is ending soon I promise….
BACK STORY : I drive this bad a$$ car to work a couple times a week just praying to come across a ZO6 or something along those lines… my neighbor has a Aston Martin DB-7… I always see him when I’m riding my bike with the two little girls in the kid trailer behind me… Don’t laugh… it’s cool to have a bike with a kid trailer…. I took the orange flag off OK!… But I never see any fast cars in the viper… It’s always some kid wanting to race me in his black primer civic… while his cousin plays Vice City in the passenger seat.. Oh yeah and he always has to look around his tach to see the road… I never see anything “fun” to mess with..
OK here’s the ******… Pulling out of Lowe’s looking like I have lost the rear suspension I catch the first red light.. The Great Evil Jr. is in the passenger seat happy that she got her flowers…potting soil… hamburger meat… Kelly Clarkson is gracing us with her angelic voice… (I wish Kelly would just “Break Away” already)…. “Man this is a long red light” I thought to myself when outta no where… (cue real angels singing) A FRICKIN F-40 PULLS UP RIGHT NEXT TO ME… Not only does this guy see the look in my eye that I would whop up all over him had it not been for the mass amounts of shopping that just happened…. He reved… I reved.. we laughed… El Diablo went into You better not even think about it mode”.. Do I even have to tell you what happened next??
GREEN LIGHT!!! We both launch perfectly… I pull him in first and second… and during the shift to third gear Mephistopheles pulls her body off the seat back long enough to plant her Talons in might right arm. Bye bye Mr. F-40… If you read this I want a rematch..
Here’s what I am thinking… why would that guy race me when you can obviously see all of the pansies and soil in my half open hatch?… Also… why did I race him in the first place?
Why you might ask??
Well a lightly modded and geared Viper launches like a pro-street car with 250 lbs of cargo in the back!!!!
Moral of the story…
Kids are great!
Vipers are fun!
Lowe’s kicks a$$!
Don't ever ever smash the pansies...
F-40’s are faaaast!
Don’t marry the Devil.
Peace! I’m out
Matt
